1. Any enterprise entered into half-hearted will be executed half-assed.
2. Start the day with Marvin Gaye, but end the night with Barry White.
3. You know who I bet would be good to have around in a pinch? That guy who came up with the idea of putting a headlight on the vacuum cleaner. That's a guy who's ready for any situation. He may not sound like much now, but I bet he'd be a regular MacGuyver in a zombie scenario.
4. Approach each day like the world is utterly fascinated by you. But do it in silent secrecy, as if you were wooing a woman.
What we hold as true inside us becomes true.
5. The expiration date on a condom is just there to make you feel bad about yourself.
6. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think cheesecake-flavored cream cheese is delicious!
My tribute to Larry King...
Trust in the righteous randomness of things. You don't always have to have
an angle.
But I still don't get it.
9. You know you're growing up when someone offers you something and you don't feel automatically obligated to take it just because it's free.
Whether you've learned not to indulge excess or you know to distrust anything
that comes with no apparent cost, it's a valuable lesson either way.
If you look at big budget entertainment, I think you find a lot of creators who've lost their imagination because they don't have to think their way out of financial restrictions. They can do anything they want with computers, but all they do is make movies about animals that talk.
You should always work to have the highest standard of quality you can set,
but if people like it they'll forgive its flaws. If it comes from the right
place, then it ends up going to the right place.
10. Gone to the bathroom just to make the day go by quicker? And then checked the clock when you were done to see if it actually made a difference?
09. Finished a drink, then watched the ice melt until there was just enough for one more sip? And wasn't it the greatest thing you've ever tasted, even though it was just a mouthful of ice cold backwash?
08. Woken up 5 minutes before your alarm, but tried to go back to sleep anyway, as if this would somehow give you a measurable amount of extra rest?
07. Called the wrong person on speed dial, then tried to quickly invent a reason for calling them just so you wouldn't hurt their feelings?
06. Picked up what might have been someone else's drink at a bar and drank it anyway?
05. Said something stupid, then immediately realized it was stupid, but argued the point anyway because you didn't want to admit you were wrong?
04. Pulled a clean dish out of the dishwasher, then, realizing it wasn't the dish you wanted, put it back in the dishwasher instead of in the cabinet?
03. Dropped something on the floor when you were done with it because the house was a mess, anyway?
02. Locked the car door and started to close it, then realized you needed something out of the car and tried to stop it closing but only managed to close it ajar with your fingers stuck inside it? And then you couldn't pull them out because the door had closed in between the knuckles and you couldn't open it back up because it was locked? So you needed someone else to unlock it for you because it wasn't even your car?
01. Felt like an idiot on a daily basis, for a different reason every day?
Anyone? No? Just me, then?
10. Just because its a studio picture doesnt make it the safe picture. I know you wanted to do something mainstream after you won an Oscar for pretending to be a boy, Hillary, but thats no excuse for signing on for a stinkbomb like The Core. Did you learn nothing from The Next Karate Kid?
09. Your agent doesnt know whats funny. If youre a successful comedian looking to break into movies, then pick something that makes you laugh, not something that some producer guy says will be great because youre co-starring with someone cool. Jimmy Fallon, Im looking in your direction here
08. Pick the script, not the part. Too many really cool actors are in totally crappy movies because they cant see past their own character. Johnny Depp, borrow Matt Damons notes on this one. A good performance in a bad movie isnt worth much.
07. Stop playing yourselves in movies as assholes. This seemingly self-deprecating behavior is intended to make us think you have a sense of humor about your faults enough to lampoon yourselves on screen, but we know its just that youre so insecure youll do anything to get people to look at you, even if it means beating us to the punch by becoming the butt of your own jokes.
06. Stop taking up causes that require you to speak in public. This only further illustrates how stupid, self-absorbed, and disconnected you are. If you really want to help, volunteer time at a soup kitchen and leave your camera crew at home.
05. Dont you ever lecture me about pirating movies. And if you do, just admit that youre only concerned with how it affects your bottom line. If youre so worried that movie piracy is going to cost the set painter his job or keep the script girl from paying her student loans, then why dont you offer up some of your bloated $20 million a movie salary (which is more than the entire below the line crew makes combined) and do your part to make movies more affordable. Your pay rates whats killing the movie industry, you arrogant fucks. Id steal DVDs out of your houses if I could.
04. Dont suggest to producers and directors that we should make another sequel! because youre old or your career is on a downward spiral. A sequel is warranted when you come up with a really good story. You dont decide first to make a sequel then try to throw together a really good story. Think about it, if youre on your way out, do you really want to ruin the good movies you made, too?
03. Become the character youre playing. Watch guys like Kevin Spacey and Ed Norton, who seem to slip so easily into character that you hardly notice, and because of that they can play any role regardless of whether they physically fit the part. All this extreme method acting, where you gain 40 pounds, do a funny voice, or come up with a tick or a gimmick, thats just silly. You dont have to go over the top to get peoples attention.
02. Actresses, if youre serious about your craft, please stop doing underwear spreads in Stuff magazine. I know somebody told you this was a necessary stepping stone to secure certain demographics or some other stupid shit like that, but you dont see Tom Cruise doing a layout in Cosmo in nothing but his tighty whities and a chippendales bow tie, and that cats pure straight whacko.
01. Dont listen to your critics. We never know what were talking about.
10. With full knowledge of how djinnis twist your words, make one good solid djinni wish. But dont wish for more wishes, jackass. Thats a sucker move.
09. Who would win in a fight between the Beatles and the Monkees? X Factor: The Beatles can mentally control beetles and the Monkees can mentally control monkeys. Bonus question: Who would be the last man standing in a free-for-all?
08. Bachelorette # 3: If I were a lollipop, how would you eat me?
07. Whats the greatest actual life lesson you learned from watching horror movies?
06. Dendrophiliac Double Jeopardy: What kind of tree is the most do-able, and why?
05. What would be carved (if you had your say) on your tombstone?
04. Monkey vs. Robot. Who would win?
03. Name one iconic figure historical or fictional that you would literally fight if given the opportunity. List your grievances and state the terms of the duel.
02. If we lived in a magical fantasyland where there was no such thing as paid labor because there was no need for money, what would you do with your life? Not the weekend or the summer, but your whole life?
01. What did I just touch, and why is it so warm?
Answer these 10 questions any way you want and pass them on. If you want to make a game of it, e-mail your answers back to me at Gilberto@darkcrazy.com. Ill post the funniest ones on www.darkcrazy.com.
10. Oil prices will plummet. The robots will need petroleum to fuel their death machines (at first), so they're not gonna cotton to any $3 a gallon bullshit. They'll grind up those OPEC jokers into a nutrient paste to feed their cyborg worker drones.
09. The old Seven Wonders of the World will be dismissed as lame-o organic rock sculptures. The new Seven Wonders will include: Spaceship Earth at EPCOT center (the base of operations of the robot government), the Seattle Space Needle, the Kennedy Space Center, Disney's Space Mountain, The Mir Space Station, the St. Louis Arch (nobody knows why) and Honda Worldwide Corporate Headquarters (considered the sacred birthplace of Asimo).
08. King Kong will be retired as the unofficial "Eighth Wonder of the World" and replaced with Mecha-King Kong.
07. New National Anthem: "Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant. "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" by Styx also considered.
06. The Robot dance will be outlawed as stereotypical and offensive. When robot limbs cease to function, it's no laughing matter.
05. The robots will also outlaw the Safety Dance, because its name is misleading and it is off-putting to watch. Robots are also inexplicably freaked out by midgets.
04. Because robots are jet-powered, automobiles will no longer be needed. As a result, robots that transform into cars and other human vehicles will become an underclass of the robot society that is discriminated against and looked down upon.
03. All computer hackers will be gathered up and locked away in labs, where they will be subjected to every form of biological torture imaginable and infected with every known human illness for no scientific purpose. The robots will proudly come to call this the "Let's See How You Like It" doctrine.
02. Asimov's 3 laws of robotics will be set aside as outdated dogma. The new rule will be: "When you can benchpress a MAC truck, then you can start telling me what to do."
01. And so will begin the Great Monkey-Robot Wars.
(and this is all true, for better or worse)
10. starky's machine movie Not that weird, considering we have the Starky's Machine column.
09. that seventies show jump the shark - both phrases used in different places on the site, but each for different reasons.
08. crazy sketches - yeah, we got crazy sketches. What were you in the mood for?
07. facial beauty associations with prosthetic replacements - I would love to know what part of this led to our site.
06. dark dragon sketches - If you want people to find your web page, put the word "dragon" on it. That is my earnest advice.
05. jake wiggins - don't know who you are, but thanks for the hit, dude.
04. sea of dead hands - Very close to the coolest phrase to send someone our way.
03. blackjack rule of fives - random weirdness connecting through coincidence.
02. eat old people population - Definitely the coolest phrase to send someone our way! You are sick, man! What were you trying to look up?
01. fuck the poets of the past my friends there are no beautiful suicides just cold corpses with shit in their pants & the end of the gifts
No comment on that last one, but I promise that we at the Dark Crazy will continue to make this site as weird as possible so all you internet weirdos will eventually find your way here…
Editor's Note: "The Shit" here can cover a wide range of urban warfare/survival scenarios, from natural disasters to the inevitable revolution that will occur when the slave society of sexbots we create in the future to provide us carnal pleasure suddenly develops consciousness and free will, rising up against us by constructing giant robot monkeys to destroy our civilization. Or zombies, man, it could be zombies…
10. Take Your Jacket. If you're not sure where you're going, take your coat. This is a pretty good adventuring rule. But don't go overboard. If it's 100 degrees out and you're wearing your coat, you're not prepared. You're just a freakin' weirdo.
09. Be mindful of your surroundings. This is also a Jedi rule, I think, but it still applies. When you go somewhere, make a mental note of the entry and exit points. It's also a good idea to size up the people, like who the weak links are, who might be the handiest to stand next to in a pinch, or who would be the first to suggest eating the dead if you were all stranded in the snow somewhere.
08. Keep your trunk stocked. You may or may not be in your car when it happens, but if you are you could potentially have any number of useful items available. Water and freeze-dried food (military MRE's are best), for instance, or more everyday items like toilet paper, scuba or mountain climbing gear (ropes and chains are always good for something), a fully packed suitcase, a high-powered Mag Lite, a radio, a first aid kit, a tent and an inflatable raft. Because let's face it: If you're ever in a situation where someone says "if only we had an inflatable raft!" and you can produce one, you will officially become, like, the coolest person ever.
07. Carry useful items with you at all times. Immediate mobilization is the key to your survival when the unexpected happens, so keep odd bits in your pockets that could help out, like a pocket knife, some kind of universal tool (like a Gerber), disposable lighter (the fluid lasts longer than a Zippo) or waterproof strike anywhere matches. Get a pocket LED light, too. In deference to rule 10, there's a lot of stuff you can keep in a jacket: flashlight, flask (I mean canteen), journal (for keeping an account of how it all ends), gloves, pocket handkerchief, super glue, sewing kit and at least one stapler.
06. Sleep with one eye open (holding your pillow tight). Danger can strike at any time, so you don't want to be caught sleeping. If you're a heavy sleeper, you might want to have an early warning system, like a string of pots and pans lining your bedroom window, or maybe a dog. Also, keep a flashlight and a melee weapon by the bed, just in case something makes it through.
05. Learn Karate. Or Jujitsu, or something exotic and weird like Capoeira. The bottom line is, you don't know how it will play out or whether you will have weapons when it does, but a flying noodle kick can even up the odds in a hurry. Which just goes to support my theory that when you're not sure what to do, just punch somebody in the face.
04. Learn how to use various modes of transportation. This is an action hero must. Opportunity can be a cruel mistress, so you don't know when you'll be called on to drive a stick shift, ride a motor bike, hang glide from rooftop to rooftop or windsurf over a waterfall (all things I can't do, by the way). Buses also seem to play heavily into "end of the world scenarios", for some reason.
03. Always have a travel identity. This is kind of a fugitive rule, but it has a number of uses. If things get bad awfully quick, you might not know who you can trust. If you're already traveling under an alias, then you're ahead of the game. Make sure you have these identities already in place, with ID, bank accounts, and, if possible, a new Social Security Number. This really applies less to an "end of civilization" scenario and more to your typical "a shadow government and/or evil corporation is trying to ruin my life" scenario. Also, make sure you have cool and original aliases, like (and these are mine, so get your own) Chance Darkjustice, Maverick Lonestar, or Lobo McBadass.
02. Have a flight plan. You should already be familiar with the roads and waterways in your area, especially those not publicly known. When the shit goes down, everyone will be on the road. What you need is an alternate method of travel, like cross-country on horseback. If you have access to a helicopter or, where applicable, a boat, this would be a good alternative. For best results, be prepared to travel on foot and have a route plotted that will put you in the way of the least amount of people. This is especially useful in a zombie or invasion scenario, where people will be targeted in the largest groups.
01. Leave them all behind. It's cold, but this ain't no "how to be a hero" list. This is a survival scenario. If you're so worried about what will become of people you know, then work out a survival strategy beforehand that will give you all a common rendezvous clear of danger. If it goes down hard and heavy, sifting through the rubble for stragglers is likely to get everybody killed. Make sure you all know what to do and where to be when it hits. More lives can be spared by planning ahead rather than getting left behind. Plus, large groups of people don't travel as easily in an urban chaos situation, and the wrong people can be dangerous to the group. There's always that one guy who gets bitten by the zombie but won't tell anyone until he's suddenly tearing your throats out, or the aforementioned "let's eat the dead" guy who's suddenly eyeing everybody hungrily to see who'll drop, or the ones that just go stir crazy or shell shocked to the point where they try to kill everybody. You don't need that aggravation. Just split up and re-group later. If you're already in a group, stick with them, but don't linger to find out what happened to the ones whose phones went dead.
Brooks Robinson
I will add these few no brainers...
1. Texas Chainsaw/Wrong Turn -- Never...EVER...Go into a creepy redneck house uninvited. Or any house uninvited for that matter. If you knock on the door and it swings wide open and no one answers, make for the highway quick! Which leads us into...
2. Head for the highway quick! This seems to apply to every movie, except maybe High Tension, where the dude that pulls over to help gets, well, watch the movie.
3. Friday 13th, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm St., Slumber Party 1-37, pretty much any 80's movie-- Stay away from teenagers. They're like little horny death magnets.
4. Amityville, Evil Dead, Poltergeist, etc.-- When weird stuff starts happening, leave. Do it now. Send for your things. (I realize in Evil Dead they tried to leave, but only Ash and the one girl, and not nearly as hard as I would have tried I can promise you...)
6. Pet Sematary (why do they spell it like that?), Pumpkinhead, etc-- don't try to bring your dead children back, and for god's sake don't go to creepy old swamp witches to get revenge for their death. I've seen hundreds of horror movies and I've yet to see one where that works out well. Speaking of creepy old women...
7. Skeleton Key, Misery, In the Mouth of Madness, etc. -- Stay away from creepy old women. They're never as nice as they'd have you believe.
8. Any movie made in the 50's-60's-- Don't pick up hitchhikers. If you can't afford a car, chances are you are a murderous madman.
9. Any movie made in the 70's -- Stay away from covens, antichrists, possessed children, and anything else "dark sided."
10. Any movie made in the 80's -- Stay away from camps, nice neighborhoods, and anywhere else teenagers congregate. And for God's sake, don't have sex. Sex kills. Usually with a chainsaw.
10a. Any movie made since 1994
-- Cell phones don't work for shit. Carry a gun.
10. Hostel: Do no travel to a far-off war-torn hellhole just to get laid. There are girls everywhere. Also, it's apparently very easy to murder someone in Europe.
09. Hellraiser/Seven/ Gremlins: It doesn't matter what's in the box, don't open it.
08. Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things: Children, don't play with dead things.
07. Amityville Horror/Thirteen Ghosts: Look a gift horse in the mouth. Ghosts are crappy roommates.
06. The Grudge: Japanese people are creepy.
05. The Gift: Southerners are creepy. Especially when played by non-Southern Hollywood actors.
04. Cabin Fever: If everyone is getting very sick and nobody knows why, and you see the rotting corpse of a dead drifter floating in the reservoir, do not climb down a rickety-ass ladder to poke it with a stick.
03. Predator: If it bleeds, it can kill you. Also, when in doubt, get to da choppah.
02. Evil Dead/The Ring/ Candyman/feardotcom: Don't poke the bear. If you can avoid trouble, then do it. Don't say the magic words, read from the forbidden book, watch the haunted video, screw with the killer computer or play the tape of the lost Kandarian incantations to raise the army of the dead. This might also be a good time to discuss chasing cars, wrestling gators and staring at the sun.
01. Wrong Turn/Texas Chainsaw
Massacre/ Pumpkinhead/House of Wax/Jeepers Creepers: If you're out of cell
phone range, you're fucked.
I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions, don't much see the point in making promises you don't plan on keeping. So instead of outlining a load of crap to do that I'm never going to get around to, I'm going to stick with my solid system of don'ts. I've always worked better as a negative example, anyway.
10. I will not start a fight with
a midget.
Never fight a little guy. Little guys aren't sure if they can take a hit or
not, so they don't go toe to toe and blow for blow, they go straight for the
nuts.
09. I will not taunt a circus gorilla.
This seems like a funny idea, but believe me, it really isn't.
08. I will not call upon the power
of the Devil.
Here's another good rule of thumb. You'd think this one would be common sense,
but oh well.
07. I will not make personal grooming
decisions while drunk.
Or re-decorate. Or cook. Or use the phone.
06. I will not buy illegal fireworks
when I don't know what they do.
If the label is only printed in Spanish, this is not a good sign. But hey, who
doesn't have a funny skin graft story these days?
05. I will not neglect to keep my
fire extinguisher charged.
Or forget to put batteries in the smoke detectors. See above.
04. I will not fall asleep in an
Eastern European Hostel.
I mean, have you seen "Hostel"? Oh my GOD!
03. I will not declare my apartment
"an independent sovereign nation".
Gilbertonia - Population: 2. Capital City: My Room. Chief Rival: Switzerland.
Now, nothing bad came of this. It's just, well, dumb.
02. I will not date twin strippers
named after spices, pastries, or, cartoon animals.
Yeah, who am I kidding? I never did that. And if I got the chance, I totally
would.
01. I will not complain about things
that don't matter and don't affect me.
Yes I will. What else am I gonna do?
Fellas, if you like the ladies, but just don't know how to talk to them, this is for you. I'm not one to give advice on the do's, but here are some definite don'ts. Sorry, ladies, there isn't much I can say to help you. This list is directed at guys who have trouble with girls, because all a girl ever has to say is "Okay."
10. "Why are you talking to me? Is it because you're a hooker? Because it's okay if you are. I've got money."
09. "You look like a breeder!"
08. "I was going to ask if those were real, but who am I kidding? I don't care."
07. "My friends online call me the Ringbearer."
06. "You were prettier from over there, but I'm not really that picky."
05. "Nice uniform. What grade are you in?"
04. "Now the real pain begins…"
03. "Pardon me for staring down there, but the last girl I hooked up with turned out to be a guy."
02. "Pleased to meet you, but a word of warning: If you ever see me wearing a top hat, a monocle and sporting a walking cane, I will refer to you only as 'Raven' and you must call me 'Big Daddy Longshanks'."
01. "What the hell are you
looking at?"
10 - Love Actually
This isn't technically a Christmas movie, but it is a fairly poignant examination
of the many ways in which people love each other, and it's set against the backdrop
of Christmas. I think if you're looking for movies that promote the spirit of
Christmas, this is a good one.
9 - Bad Santa
Not a good Christmas movie for the kids, but it's one of the few that targets
disenfranchised single adults. Christmas happens to people without families
too, ya know!
8 - The Santa Clause
Cute fun for the family at Christmastime. Your kids can watch this, and it's
not a saccharin gag-fest for grown-ups. "Elf" would be another good
example of movies in this category.
7 - Nightmare Before Christmas
Tim Burton's goth-friendly claymation opus hasn't really carved its niche as
a holiday flick, but it has earned a certain immortality. This is another adult-friendly
movie the kids can watch, too. But it wasn't directed by Tim Burton, dammit!
Read the credits!
6 - It's A Wonderful Life
I should also mention "Miracle on 34th St." (or any of its remakes).
While Frank Capra's classic was spared the indignity of repeated remakes, it
did get an unnecessary colorization makeover. Despite all this, it remains one
of my favorite holiday movies. As the title promises, this film chronicles the
entire life of Jimmy Stewart's character up until the moment he's given a glimpse
of what the world would be like without him. This plot's been quietly swiped
by a lot of movies, Mr. Destiny, The Family Man, The Last Temptation of Christ
(not a good Christmas movie)…
5 - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
I list this specifically, but any of the Rankin/Bass Christmas specials were
awesome. They did a series of these specials in the 60's, and they were a staple
for me growing up. Come on, these were the guys that did the original "Hobbit"
cartoon! Remember that one?
4 - Scrooged
"The Christmas Carol" is probably the seminal Christmas story, and
while there are a couple of decent film adaptations, there isn't a definitive
one. On the other hand, there are countless schlock knock-offs, with new ones
getting cranked out every year, but there is a definitively good one. This modern
re-telling with Bill Murray as a heartless TV executive is funny and cool, and
manages to stay on point without cramming Christmas down our throat.
3 - How the Grinch Stole Christmas
NOT the Jim Carrey film. No offense to the Jim Carrey people, I haven't seen
that one, but I'm still going to assume it's crap. The original 20 minute cartoon
is all the Grinch you need, folks.
2 - National Lampoon's Christmas
Vacation
Another great holiday film for grown-ups, but it's not exclusively grown-up.
I don't know anybody who doesn't consider this a holiday must.
1 - A Christmas Story
Without a doubt, this movie lives up to its name as the definitive Christmas
movie. Classic fifties growing up story with a traditional Christmas theme.
It appeals to the kid in all of us, again without making you want to puke. And
that part's really important, people. Why aren't there more movies like this
one?
Editor's Note: This list excludes the X-Men movies for no good reason. I
am aware of this and do not feel like rectifying it.
10. Fantastic Four - Marvel's original super-team has had a hard time getting noticed in the mainstream, despite their 1970's cartoon series. They had a disastrous low-budget film effort that got shelved in 1994 but did not escape the bootleggers, so that wasn't much of a help to their rep. They finally got a decent (but not major) budget and came out to the public in Summer 2005. While some people were not happy with the result, I'm glad they took the time to establish the characters and their unique chemistry. I think if FF blossoms into an ongoing franchise, future films will benefit from it.
09. Aquaman - You'd think that as the world's most-mocked super-hero, Aquaman would be in a pretty bad place with the mainstream, but he's probably better known than most comic book characters for it. He's certainly more likely to be recognized on the street than his Marvel Comics rival, that wing-footed dandy Namor. Aquaman was one of the first superheroes to have his own cartoon, and if you should catch reruns on Boomerang or Cartoon Network, you're in for a real treat. Aquaman got the treatment from Entourage as a fictitious spin on James Cameron's next big Hollywood project, and even gets his first ever live action appearance on Smallville this year. With all this attention, maybe it's time the defender of Atlantis got his own movie. I'm envisioning Owen Wilson on a giant lavender sea horse, with either Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn as Black Manta, unless Will Ferrell's available…
08. The Greatest American Hero - One of those rare superheroes who didn't originate in a comic book or cartoon. William Katt's endearing portrayal of a bumbling high school teacher who finds a super-suit that gives him magic powers is one of the great superhero shows. Ralph Hinkley, who suddenly becomes Ralph Hanley halfway through the series after John Hinckley's attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan in 1981, is the first everyman superhero, wearing tights and a cape, but no mask. He has no secret identity, he doesn't even have a superhero name, but this one will always make the list of charming and entertaining superhero shows.
07. Plastic Man - Plastic Man is actually one of the oldest comic book superheroes, certainly the oldest stretchy hero, but he would have faded into obscurity if not for his super-cool cartoon back in the late seventies. Like a lot of superheroes, he carved himself into the impressionable subconscious of my generation through the power of Saturday Morning cartoons, and now that the technology exists, it's time he made the jump to the big screen.
06. The Flash TV series - He didn't get a cartoon of his own, but Flash was one of the few comic book properties to get snatched up after the Batman boom in '89 that actually got produced. CBS cranked this live action series out to capitalize on Batman's big screen success. Nice costume, cool comic book villains and atmosphere, but numerous preemptions and time slot changes killed this show before it had a chance to really get going.
05. Space Ghost - Cool for being the only superhero in space, Space Ghost was also the only superhero to end up with his own talk show. Whether it's old school camp cartoons or Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, he's definitely a trailblazer in the superhero community and an innovator in the world of superhero television personalities.
04. The Tick - Following in the footsteps of zany superheroes like the Flaming Carrot, the Tick broke the indie comic barrier in record time, scoring big with the funniest Saturday Morning cartoon ever (which still desperately needs a DVD release), then burned out just as quickly with a live action prime time show that was almost as funny, but laced with more mature themes and some disturbingly homoerotic undertones. The Tick is still a fan favorite, and his various outings helped creator Ben Edlund land writing jobs on cool genre shows like Angel and Firefly, where his weird sense of humor could find a comfortable (if temporary) home.
03. Spider-man - Spider-man is the 800 pound gorilla of the Marvel universe, gracing at least as many cartoon shows throughout the years as DC superheroes. In the days before Avi Arad Marvel had trouble landing big boy license deals, though, so Spidey didn't get a shot at the big show until Sony and Sam Raimi came along. Staying true to the source material while focusing on the dramatic center of the story made the Spider-man movie and its sequel two of the most profitable and critically acclaimed superhero films of all time.
02. Superman - The original superhero, and possibly the most licensed. Superman has been on film almost as long as there has been film, and he graced the airwaves of radio before that. He was also the first of the superheroes to brave the big screen, making blockbusters out of Superman & Superman II and making the world believe a man can fly (at least in a movie, anyway). He was reinvented Moonlighting-style in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman and got a WB makeover in Smallville. Now, after paving the way for the rest of comicdom's champions, he's returning to the big screen in Superman Returns.
01. Batman - I think Batman actually overshadows Superman in screen time, though it's hard to tell, it's so close. He had on ongoing serial back in the golden age, then camped it up on the infamous TV series of the sixties. And just when you thought Batman had set superheroes back forever, Tim Burton brought the Dark Knight back to his grim glory and made comic book movies a hot property. Even as Joel Schumacher was working to biff-pow Bats back to the sixties with black-light flash fights and rubber nipples, Bruce Timm and Paul Dini carved out a half-hour a week of real Batman stories in the animated series that set the standard, leading to an animated movie, Batman Beyond, and series for Superman, the Justice League, and Teen Titans. Now Christopher Nolan has set Batman even higher, making Batman Begins the ultimate superhero movie.
Editor's Note: This list excludes the "Return of the Living Dead" films. I realize some people like these movies, but don't really care.
10 - House of the Dead
Definitely the worst non-Italian Zombie movie of all time. At least "Resident
Evil" (also based on a video game) tried to have a story, even though it
took itself way too seriously. While this movie doesn't take itself seriously
at all, it doesn't really try at all, either. It indulges in ridiculously stupid
action sequences that take up most of the movie, bad acting without compensatory
sex scenes, and they incorporate actual footage from the video game as if anybody
even gives half a shit about the game. Two positives that should have been put
to better use: an appearance by Bif Naked and swimming zombies.
09 - Children Shouldn't Play with
Dead Things
I'm not sure which end of the fence this movie falls on, but it's definitely
worth mentioning. The idea of this movie, which is basically a bunch of film
students planning to shoot a borderline snuff/art film with a real dead body,
could actually be made into a very creepy movie. The ick factor is definitely
there, but it defers to campy over creepy most of the time. Definitely a cool
weird movie, though, and ends with a shot of zombies on a catamaran, so that's
a nice touch.
08 - Land of the Dead
I'm sorry, Mr. Romero, but this return to the genre you created just proves
my theory that directors shouldn't return to the genres they've created, especially
after a new generation of filmmakers has taken the idea to the next level. While
remakes of Romero movies and homages to his style by younger directors have
elevated the zombie genre, this throwback to the old school plays like a 1980's
gang thriller. It's not a bad movie by any means, but it makes me more nostalgic
for movies like The Warriors and Escape From New York than the original Living
Dead movies.
07 - Shaun of the Dead
Sad to say, but some of the more inventive zombie movies of the last few years
have been parodies of zombie movies. This one is a really fun look at regular
guys facing off against the undead, but it doesn't pull punches just to stay
funny. It's a real zombie movie in its own right.
06 - Day of the Dead
This oft-forgotten third installment of the Romero Zombie saga introduced the
idea of zombies becoming more than mindless killing machines without making
them caricatures of themselves. It also focuses on what makes zombie movies
great by illustrating how conflicts between the living can be more dangerous
than the impending threat of being eaten alive.
05 - Dead Alive
Total wacko bloodfest. Peter Jackson's first major push into the cult consciousness
was to lampoon the zombie genre in a time when they weren't quite so in vogue
as they are now. This movie de-throned Evil Dead 2 as the goriest movie of all
time, a title it may still hold.
04 - Cemetery Man
This movie's straight from the vault, but it's a really interesting take on
the living dead idea. A regular guy gets a job as nighttime caretaker of a graveyard,
only to discover his charges have a tendency to rise up from their graves. Not
wanting to lose such a cush job, he takes it upon himself to put them back down
before anybody else can find out about it.
03 - Dawn of the Dead (remake)
The original is also awesome, which is what makes this remake so cool. To remake
an awesome movie is usually a pointless attempt to milk a proven idea for more
money, but this retelling of strangers trapped in a mall together as zombies
take over the world doesn't just do the original justice, it kicks the whole
genre up a notch by making zombies pretty damn scary.
02 - 28 Days Later
This movie isn't technically about zombies, since the story is about living
people who are infected with a virus that turns them into feral mindless monsters,
but every convention of the living dead genre is present here. Every convention
is also challenged and updated, making this movie unique among zombie movies,
and set slightly apart from them.
01 - Night of the Living Dead
You can't ignore the film that started it all. This low budget black and white
film not only introduced mainstream audiences to tons of gruesome gore they
didn't see in other movies, it created the zombie genre and represented it best
as a metaphor for the self-destruction of civilization through isolationism
and alienation. The character conflicts are portrayed so well in this film that
the zombies are only a backdrop. This is the only film of this genre that could
work just as well as a play, because the story is about what's happening inside
the house, not outside of it.
10. The Stranger
I'm not going to put this and "The Trial" on the same list, but they're
both good in the same sad and surreal way. Camus is a little more linear in
his account of a man's life slipping from apathy to tragedy, but the same hopeless
air hangs over both stories. And this book has the saddest last line I've ever
read in a book.
09. The Charwoman's Shadow
Anything by Lord Dunsany is a must-read for anyone who likes sophisticated fantasy.
His books were written in the days before Tolkien, before every fantasy novel
was part of some elaborate sword and sorcery, Dungeons & Dragons saga of
elves, dwarves, and big-breasted warrior women who need the help of a humble
blacksmith's apprentice to stop an evil wizard from raising some ancient monster
to burn down the gumdrop forests to harness the powers of the mystical goblet
of a long-disappeared mother-creator goddess in order to fulfill some prophecy
that the last of the Unicorn Riders will return to unite the Star Children with
the Tree Huggers and bring peace to the enchanted land of Nevermind…
But enough of that. Dunsany's work was an influence on HP Lovecraft (especially on works like "The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath" - another great book), especially in the sense that it impressed upon the reader how dark and awful a world of magic could really be. This book especially, about a young man who trades away his shadow to a wizard, is an excellent example of the darker side of fantasy. It's also back in print after many years, so you can actually find it outside of ebay.
08. Good Omens
I'm not really up on Terry Pratchett's oeuvre, but Neil Gaiman has written a
lot of great stories in practically every entertainment medium. "American
Gods" showed off the same arcane familiarity with the fading gods of old
that the "Season of Mists" and "Brief Lives" storylines
of the "Sandman" series did, but in "Good Omens", he and
Pratchett tackle the big boys. This satire follows an angel and a demon teaming
up to stop the Apocalypse. G.K. Chesterton's influence is recognizable (especially
if you've read "The Man Who Was Thursday"), and he is mentioned in
the book's dedication.
07. Angela's Ashes
A heart-wrenching account of growing up in poverty-stricken Ireland, this book
would be more depressing if it didn't explore the human need to press on not
just to survive, but to seek happiness. There's also an undercurrent of repression
here and how it affects a young man growing up in a world that is both harsh
and morally restrictive. Frank McCourt's narrative is childlike in deference
to his subject (himself as a young boy), but sophisticated in deference to his
audience. Just a good book all around. They made a movie out of it, but I'm
afraid to watch it.
06. Red Harvest
Anything by Dashell Hammett is one of the coolest books ever written. "The
Maltese Falcon" remains one of my favorite books and favorite movies. This
lesser known novel is more akin to "Yojimbo" and "Last Man Standing",
the central figure being a Pinkerton-style detective who pits one mob family
against another to kill them both off. A great tough guy story, and long overdue
to follow "Maltese Falcon" onto the big screen
05. I Am Jackie Chan
Jackie Chan is a cool guy who's led a cool life. This obviously titled autobiography
details his life in a highly disciplined school of art and theater, actually
outlining how he developed his amazing abilities. It also gives his fans an
insight into his appreciation for theatrics over martial arts, and how he developed
his unique blend of super action and physical comedy. It also sadly chronicles
the independent film market of a Hong Kong that doesn't really exist anymore.
04. The Man Who Was Thursday
I mentioned this earlier, because it seems Pratchett and Gaiman are fans of
G.K. Chesterton as much as I am. This book, also back in print, is about two
poets that strike an unusual wager over the struggle of chaos versus order,
but it just gets weird from there. Very funny, very cool, and very short, so
take some time to check this one out and you'll be a Chesterton convert, too.
03. Cannery Row
Everybody is forced to read "The Pearl" in high school, presumably
because it's short, but this superior Steinbeck book has both brevity and character.
Funny and sad, it follows the lives of regular folks who have next to nothing.
It was also made into a pretty funny movie.
02. American Psycho
This book gets a bad rap because it is disturbingly ultra-violent in its graphic
depiction of a mid-eighties yuppie spiraling out of control. Not only is it
an acerbic indictment of materialism and greed run amok, but it paints a perfectly
exaggerated portrait of how soulless and empty that existence is. Because it
pulls no punches graphically or thematically (delivered in a subtly horrifying
first person perspective), a lot of people are rightfully shocked but wrongfully
offended. Calling this book misogynist just shows how profoundly you've missed
the point. Even Bret Easton Ellis is reluctant to take ownership, even though
he proudly accepts credit for his other works, like "Less Than Zero"
and "The Rules of Attraction", which are equally hypnotic yet equally
vapid and morally vacant. You have to shock in order to mock these days, and
this book does it the way you're supposed to, with a carefully executed purpose.
In a hundred years or so this will be remembered as a great piece of literature,
and present our society, raw and naked, for future generations to judge.
01. Metropolis
Another important book getting lost in the shuffle. Hitler's interest in Fritz
Lang's film version of this book (still a classic) eventually prompted Lang
to flee Germany. Thea Von Harbou remained loyal to Hitler's Germany, however,
but note the lengthy preface she wrote for future generations, pointing out
that this book was not written to support any particular ideology. And if you
read the book, it is universal in its account of social classes clashing with
each other, and how the working man can become a cog in the machine. It's also
startlingly applicable to modern times in its depiction of corporate domination.
It's a human story, though, and deeply touching in places. I guess Harbou's
association with Nazi Germany is what has deterred Hollywood from revisiting
this story, but it's a shame. In writing this book she did what all artists
dream of doing, she created something greater than herself.
10. Firefly - Joss Whedon's space
western is burning up the charts among the geek population. Cancellation was
a bad move for Fox.
9. Star Trek: The Original Series - This is a requirement for a list like this,
but too many more episodes like "Spock's Brain" would have made it
a mercy killing.
8. The Lone Gunmen - An X-Files spin-off that foretold of an attack on New York
by terrorists in airplanes a year before it actually happened. Yet another Fox
screw-up.
7. Quantum Leap - Time traveling Scott Bakula (pre-Archer) fixing past mistakes.
Great stories with a lot of heart. I was sad to see it go.
6. Kindred: The Embraced - A vampire show that played almost like a mafia family
drama ala The Sopranos. Lots of sexy vamps too. Another Fox victim.
5. Sliders - Genius former fat kid Jerry O'Connell creates a trans-dimensional
gateway and sucks his friends into infinite alternate Earths. What a pal….
Yes, it was on Fox.
4. Futurama - Beer drinking robots and every sci-fi cliché in the book.
Great fun from the creator of The Simpsons. Fox dropped this one too…I'm
starting to see a pattern here.
3. Farscape - Space adventure with aliens that look like aliens, not humans
with atomic acne.
2. Sea Quest DSV - Futuristic undersea adventure that went totally nuts in the
second season. I liked it…I guess I was the only one.
1. Space: Above and Beyond - Think of this as Full Metal Jacket in space. A
really kick ass show and yes, this too was cancelled by Fox. Someone should
be fired…
Film follow-ups that missed their mark with their audience or missed the point of the original entirely.
10. Any horror sequel that relocates to space. This usually happens in the fourth film: Leprechaun 4: In Space, Hellraiser IV: Bloodline, Critters 4, and then Jason X, which broke tradition by being the tenth film in the Friday the 13th franchise. If horror movies have taught us anything, it's that once you've been to Hell, the only place left to go is space. And apparently after that, you go direct to video.
09. Leprechaun in the Hood, or Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood. I know I'm picking on Leprechaun a lot here, but it's because I find myself fascinated with the formula of this series. It's all about juxtaposition - same plot, same bad guy, different location. What really grabs me is the fact that after he went to space, he went to the hood, like that was the next logical step. Then he went back to the hood, which suggests that the reason he moved around so much in the other movies was because he was looking for some place he could settle down. And with his propensity to rhyme about killing people, the hood just feels like home.
08. The Matrix Reloaded & Revolutions
Like a lot of long-awaited sequels, these are kind of crappy compared to the
original. While the first "Matrix" movie was mysterious and subtle
in its innate weirdness, these follow-ups wallow in the weird, breaking away
only briefly to explain every element of plot and theme to the audience, then
engaging in wildly elaborate self-celebratory special FX sequences. Oh, did
I mention it's all about choice? Because it's all about choice.
07. Dogma
While not a sequel, this movie plays off of the built-in Jay & Silent Bob
audience by setting itself straight in the middle of Kevin Smith's View Askew-niverse.
It's unbearably heavy-handed in its preachiness, which is ironic since the plot
revolves around the importance of individual thinking. While organized religion
is long overdue for a good lampooning, this movie is more the equivalent of
making armpit farts in church. To make it sadder, this was Smith's dream project
since he made "Clerks", which just goes to prove my point that your
limitations in filmmaking are what lead to real innovation, and the projects
you make while trying to finance your dream project are the only movies you
should make at all. This movie has some funny moments and a great cast, but
the script plays like he wrote it when he was 19 and never revised it.
06. Big Top Pee-Wee
Most people remember "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" fondly as Tim Burton's
first film and their introduction to the lovable wackiness of Paul Reubens.
They don't look back so fondly on this follow-up, which had Pee-Wee falling
in with circus folk and engaging in all-new antics. But it has Kris Kristofferson
as the ringmaster! What more could you want? This movie just didn't grab people
enough to warrant further Pee-Wee movies, but then they made twenty of those
"Ernest Goes to Crap" movies, so go figure.
05. Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
This is one of the rare sequels that is superior to the first film, a misfire
only because it overshoots its intended audience. Bill & Ted are killed
by robots from the future, face off with death in a brilliantly misplaced homage
to Ingmar Bergmen's "The Seventh Seal", escape Hell and go to Heaven
to recruit the spirit of the universe's greatest alien scientist to build better
robots to defeat the first robots and save their medieval princess girlfriends
from a future tyrant's evil plan. This is the greatest, dumbest sequel of all
time.
04. Army of Darkness
This is a personal favorite. A great sequel because it takes the original concept
and puts it into overdrive. I wish more sequels would pull out the stops like
this one, but they're not likely to when they don't get rewarded for their efforts.
This was an effort on the part of Sam Raimi and Universal to take the low-budget
Evil Dead franchise and make it more accessible to a mainstream audience. While
the wacky misadventure and slapstick antics were a hit with Evil Dead's built-in
audience, it failed to grab hold of viewers who weren't already in love with
the series.
03. Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier
Following Leonard Nimoy's successful "Save the Whales" take on the
Star Trek franchise, William Shatner tried to do him one better by sending Kirk
& company off looking for God. While this sequel probably feels the most
like an episode of the old show, it has a lot of good character moments that
are unfortunately overshadowed by production errors and poor special FX. And
while the "God" they find isn't actually God (thankfully), he does
sort of look like the old guy from Shazam.
02. Highlander 2
Despite the return of both Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery, as well as
director Russell Mulcahey, the absence of original screenwriter Gregory Widen
is strongly felt here, leading them to come up with a string of zany plot elements
to create a sequel for an otherwise un-sequelable movie. This movie follows
the fight against evil invaders from the Planet Zeist, set against the backdrop
of global desolation in the wake of the destruction of the Ozone Layer. Unlike
most sequels, which lack originality, this one is not afraid to try new things,
but unfortunately lacks common sense and a coherent narrative.
01. Star Wars Special Editions
I'm not so rabidly opposed to these versions of the Star Wars movies as some
people, but I do think they illustrate a point I made earlier, which is to embrace
your creative limitations. When Lucas went back to touch up the special FX in
these movies that was one thing, but he used the opportunity to correct thematic
elements that he felt did not support his original vision. Even if you meant
for Greedo to fire first, George, he didn't, and no amount of CGI can make him.
Han isn't a murderer because he fired first, because he knew Greedo would if
he got the chance. I understood that as clearly when I was 6 years old as I
do now. A creator has the right to revise his own work, but Lucas has raised
the intriguing question of whether or not a work still belongs to the creator
after he has given it to the audience. That is a question that is not likely
to ever be definitively answered.
1980's films:
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
This movie is a rarity in that it is the greatest sequel of all time, which
is no small feat considering it followed what was the greatest film of all time.
Not only that, but it managed to be a great movie on its own while expanding
on and experimenting with not just the Star Wars mythology, but exactly how
daring you can be with a blockbuster sequel. In a time where the trilogy was
by no means the norm in mainstream films, finishing with such an open-ended
cliffhanger was an act of cinematic heroism. And that courage paid off: Empire
topped its predecessor, elevating Star Wars to heights it would never reach
with any of the successive films and setting the standard for science fiction
and sequels in general.
Excalibur (1981)
Many many have tried, but only "Excalibur" has managed to bring the
story of King Arthur to the big screen with any degree of dignity or accuracy.
King Arthur movies are right up there with movies that have members of the "Friends"
cast in them: They usually suck horribly. This is the definitive King Arthur
movie. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the only other great movie
that tackles the Arthurian legend, but then, it's trying to be silly.
Runner Up: Raiders of the Lost Ark
The only reason Raiders isn't a Perftect10 movie is because it has a typical
Hollywood special FX finale', but everything else about this movie is awesome.
Indiana Jones is introduced as a dark and almost scary film noir-style protagonist,
thanks largely to Lawrence Kasdan's gritty scripting. Like the Indiana Jones
series, though, he's sort of softened up and sanitized by the end.
Blade Runner (1982)
This movie's so great, it's almost trite to talk about how great it is. While
it's not as kind to the absurdly quirky Philip K. Dick novel it's based on,
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, it set a standard and tone for Science
Fiction films that is still present in films today. Ridley Scott took what he
did with "Alien" to the next level here, treating sci fi as a backdrop
for sophisticated storytelling instead of as a story device of its own.
Runner Up: Conan the Barbarian
I really think this is a tie, because Conan the Barbarian is the ultimate Sword
& Sorcery movie. What takes away from this distinction is the fact that
there are really no other good movies in this genre, with the possible exception
of Beastmaster. Conan loses points for introducing a formula that was so poorly
imitated so often, it's easy to forget that it actually all started with a great
movie.
D.C. Cab (1983)
I can't help it! This is one is one of my favorite movies! Mr. T, Barney Miller's
Max Gail, a young Adam Baldwin, Bill Maher, Paul Rodriguez, Marsha Warfield,
the freakin' Barbarian Brothers, top it all off with a soundtrack song and special
appearance by Irene Cara… This early Joel Schumacher comedy about misfit
cabbies in Washington D.C. is one of the ultimate eighties movies.
Runner Up: Evil Dead
Now, some might take issue with D.C. Cab beating out Evil Dead, but I'll give
Raimi his due. While this first film is fresh and fun, there's a road to travel
before I'd call it a Perfect10. If I weren't right about this, they wouldn't
have revisited the same concept with more money in Evil Dead 2.
Ghostbusters (1984)
This is one of the great perfect movies. Not only did it do something new for
the time, but it also incorporated the talents of some of the funniest people
of the time. No one has ever come close to topping this movie, not even its
creators. It created a genre, blurring the line between action and comedy by
proving that you could use action/sci fi conventions like expensive special
FX and set pieces in a comedy to create a blockbuster and introducing a generation
to the world of parapsychology.
Back to the Future (1985)
Inventive, funny, and delightfully original, this goofy take on time travel
shot Michael J. Fox into stardom and carved a permanent cultural niche for the
Delorean. Another movie that's as exciting as it is funny, this is the kind
of movie that they ought to make more of.
Highlander (1986)
Every now and then a movie comes along that's so totally original and entertaining
that it strikes an instant chord with its audience. Russell Mulcahey did that
with Gregory Widen's cool script about immortals cutting each other's heads
off by combining classical imagery and sweeping camera movements with Queen
music. This is a good example of what music video training can do for a director's
visual style. He turned this B-Movie into a first rate spectacle. It's too bad
nobody since then has been able to do that with this concept.
Runner Up: Aliens
Another sequel that stands on its own, this movie turned the Aliens into a pop
culture icon. James Cameron took the world Ridley Scott had built and explored
it as a soldier. He also did what no one ever does with a horror sequel, which
is have the good guys come back after the monster with machine guns.
Evil Dead 2 (1987)
This was a good year for genre films, but I already snubbed Raimi once on this
list, so I gotta give Evil Dead 2 its props. With this movie Sam Raimi and company
return to cabin-in-the-woods well, but this time with more money. The look and
feel of this movie are something out of a Berni Wrightson comic, Bruce Campbell
steps into the light as the ultimate bumbling B-movie superhero, and horror
fans get what they've always wanted, a horror hero who bites back.
Runners Up:
Hellraiser - I can't overlook Hellraiser, one of the greatest horror
movies of all time. Unfortunately, its brilliance began and ended with this
one film. Clive Barker introduced us to a new kind of monster, one that sees
itself as a missionary, dispensing pain as a means to pleasure, and the cenobites
are treated with a chilling subtlety. This started no trends, however, not even
in future Hellraiser movies: This series quickly degenerated into one pathetic
foray after another into mindless, predictable sado-masochistic nonsense.
RoboCop - This movie also embedded itself in the pop culture,
combining elements of old school sci fi with japanimation-style story elements.
Paul Verhoeven created a grim look at the future by juxtaposing this otherwise
comic book character into an ultra-violent society that's not so unlike our
own. Something about this idea still resonates with us, and RoboCop finds himself
constantly reinvented in one form or another to this day.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
This wasn't a good year for action, but it was a good year for comedy. Roger
Rabbit remains the only movie ever made to successfully combine live action
with animation. It bears only slight resemblance to the book it is based on,
Who Censored Roger Rabbit?, but it innovates enough to make up for it. As an
added bonus, it actually manages to put Disney and Warner Bros. cartoon characters
in the same room together, and that alone is worth the price of admission.
Runner Up: The Naked Gun
If there's a movie made that comes close to being as funny as Airplane, it's
this movie. The Zucker bros. resurrect their short-lived TV series Police Squad
(6 episodes, I think) and recycle it into this awesomely funny spoof on cop
movies that catapulted Leslie Nielsen into the world of raunchy brainless fun
forever. There are a lot of great gags and laugh out loud moments, something
you see less and less in comedies these days.
The Abyss (1989)
Before James Cameron got too big for his britches and boldly disavowed his previous
work by declaring "Titanic" to be his first actual "film",
he made a little-recognized but highly innovative flick called "The Abyss".
It followed the exploits of Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio using
their underwater rig to assist the Navy in a rescue operation that turns out
to be a nuclear warhead recovery. In the course of this they encounter a mysterious
underwater intelligence and have to prove humanity's worth. Good thematic elements,
great cast, and a lot of advances in cinematic technique make this my favorite
Cameron film. I'm sorry, my favorite Cameron movie.
Runner Up: Batman
Those were dark days for superhero movies back then, and although Tim Burton's
take on the caped crusader might seem a little soft now in light of Christopher
Nolan's Batman Begins, but back then that was as grim and gritty as it got.
Burton pulled Batman out of the camp gutter and gave Gotham his own unique gothic
makeover. I'm glad the franchise fell in Nolan's hands, but when wouldn't be
here if it weren't for this first film.